A Scot on Scotch samples the most talked about Scotch whisky for a generation…
Golden Balls to the rescue!
Every now and again, a whisky comes along that will change everything. A dram so radical and forward-thinking in its approach, that it blows the competition away and launches a bold new era in the long traditions of Scotch whisky. That’s exactly what happened in 2014. The whisky industry stood frozen in awestruck silence as a new kind of Scotch burst into existence. To add to the excitement, the whisky came in a beautiful blue bottle and was bolstered by the support of a national hero!
Scotch whisky famously fluctuates between periods of boom and bust. It would be fair to say that the last decade or so has been the former and very good to the industry, with demand soaring ever higher. There is a risk that such success can lead to a stagnation of ideas. Distillers rest on their laurels and become afraid to try anything new. They stick to the same old formula to please the mass market. Fortunately, just as the hope of innovation was fading away, an unlikely saviour stepped forward.
Much like he did against Greece on October the 6th 2001, David Beckham delivered when it really mattered. Only this time, instead of firing a trademark free-kick goalward, he chapped politely on the doors of Diageo HQ, and asked them to join him in unholy matrimony. The marketing team at Diageo got very excited. After all, they could never find a better representative of Scotch whisky than a retired, washed-up, English, footballer.
One dark evening, when the arcane rituals and blood sacrifices were complete, the dark alliance was finalised and the finishing touches put to plans that would shake the spirits world to its core. Diageo discovered massive stocks of cheap perfume bottles in a long-forgotten warehouse and enthusiastically filled each bottle with barely legal grain whisky that was produced in Hell itself (otherwise known as Fife).
Next, a camera crew filmed Beckham and some posh mates getting drunk in the highlands for a few days and passed it off as an advert. The new brand launched to great critical acclaim, with social media abuzz with comments. One twitter user wrote “So, is this like an aftershave or something?” whilst another tweeted simply “David F*cking Beckham??!!”.
Haig Club was the whisky brand the world had been waiting for. It changed the whisky landscape forever and left all other distillers running to catch up. Several master blenders retired on the spot, convinced that Diageo had finally “completed” Scotch.
The Best Whisky. Ever.
Haig Club is a single grain whisky that was put in some wood for a while before being poured into a blue square. For some fucking reason.
Smell: Vanilla. But more vanilla than anyone else. Vanilla, but turned up to 11.
Taste: Wow! If you thought the nose was good, you’re going to love the palate. It’s wonderfully thin and watery with notes of vanilla, which ate too much vanilla, began to feel queasy, and then vomited vanilla on itself.
Thoughts: Price is irrelevant when quality is this high. In truth, anything under five figures has to be considered a bargain.
When I started writing this blog, I never dreamt for a single second that I would come across a spirit of such exquisite beauty. Haig Club is a real, genuine drop of liquid gold, which sprung from the very loins of Goldenballs himself.
*** UPDATE *** UPDATE *** UPDATE ***
In case it wasn’t painfully obvious from my writing above, this review was a wee joke for April Fools day. Below is a slightly more accurate description of my feelings toward Haig Club.
Smell: Vanilla, Coconut, Lemon, Cream
Taste: Vanilla, Lemon, Honey, Cream and a touch of oak spice.
Thoughts: Haig Club isn’t as bad as some whisky snobs have made it out to be. It’s just really simple. There’s cereal notes, some vanilla notes and a wee bit of citrus. It’s completely inoffensive and therefore, rather hard to hate. Where it really falls down, however, is in the pricing. £45 is excessive for a young grain whisky. Especially since Diageo already bottle the same stuff under their Cameron Brig label and charge half the price for it. Style over substance? Absolutely.
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